Circa 1996. Hannah and Grandma ‘halmuhnee’
This is me and my grandmother who helped raise me. We immigrated together to the US from South Korea when I was five years old. She was my childhood champion.
We are pictured here on my graduation day at Carnegie Mellon University and she is standing very proud.
Bulimia. Anxiety. Depression. Isolation.
However, my internal world was troubled. My face is visibly inflamed from purging three times earlier that day. I suffered from bulimia, anxiety and depression. I had a crippling sense of self worth and was riddled with self doubt. I felt so isolated, for so many years.
Uncontrollable emotions.
Fast forward 10 years, I’m an actor in New York City and I’m married to a nice guy. But my uncontrollable emotions play a big role in why we end up in divorce. I’m miserable. I work as a bartender getting drunk most nights. I finally try therapy which help me connect the dots by examining the traumatic events in my life: being caught between two cultures, experiencing racism, sexism, and having an overactive mind that wouldn’t quit with the negative thoughts.
Numb with Exhaustion
In 2014, I am pregnant with my son and I’m in my second marriage. I’m still imprisoned by my debilitating habits of self doubt, blame and anger. I am exhausted. And my marriage life is hanging by a thread, again.
I decide to try meditation. I don’t do it consistently at first, but soon after feeling the benefits of calm, centeredness, and self compassion:
I can’t STOP meditating.
This is where my self healing journey began, where the real work and application toward my life started to take off. It’s not easy work and I had my share of tantrums, but that’s par for the course. I was just so tired of temporary fixes and band-aids, I wanted something to change for good.
This is a way of life. It’s lasting.
Meditation, yoga and mindfulness became my trifecta of uncovering, well, me. The real me - and connect to something greater than just what I see in the mirror. And for the first time in my life, I started to know what it meant to feel whole. The broken pieces started to mend. I began communicating with the deepest aspect of who I was - my soul.
But let me be clear: it doesn’t mean I don’t struggle anymore. Oh, I struggle. But the difference is, I don’t get swallowed up. Mindfulness hoists me back up on that surf board and I surf. All kinds of waves.
It has empowered me to love myself, my life and those around me, fully. I don’t feel deadened. I feel alive each day and this practice keeps me coming back to what I know is true: that ultimately, I am a soul having a human experience. I live in this body and I honor it. I acknowledge my experiences. But I am more than whatever has happened to me, I am more than my body, and I am not defined by my thoughts. That’s when I realize, I’m home.
I’ve been home all along.
When I’m not teaching mindfulness and meditation, I spend time with my art. It’s my first love. For me, it’s the most direct way that I am able to express myself. Since I was a kid I drew portraits and drawings from life, but now I’m drawn to putting my feelings down on canvas through, color, line, objects. I’m deeply inspired by the path I’ve found so a lot of my work is evocative of that inner journey towards self love and freedom.
Read more here on how I can help you grow your creativity and joy in something you love to do.